I miss mom. Despite the horrible altercation we had early this year and despite all the feelings of bitterness I have for her, she comes to mind most often.This is what December does to me, it makes me want to get all the joy I can handle. I understood perfectly that what we had gone through was coming anyway. I saw it coming. And with my optimistic view of life and struggles, I always have a hunch that we’d be okey again, not maybe soon, but we will, I told my friends or I’m trying to convince myself. But this one was longer than the previous. But then again, this one too, I saw coming.
When Eesha came, the part of missing her was even more. I so wanted her to see her granddaughter. I wanted her to consider making peace with her past. I wanted her to enjoy her old age with grandchildren by her side, after all mine are her first grandchildren. I wanted her to loosen up, to take life in strides and go out with friends. But this last one is hard to imagine. She always have acquaintances even people who looks up to her or looks at her as authority, but never the kind of friends that would come to her to hold her hand if she’d shake them of fear. Or a friend that could tell her to have life, enjoy it and she’d follow in all confidence. She projects strength by being stiff and too hard to be affectionate with.Yet, somehow having lived with her till almost 30 years, I know too well that she fakes audacity when she worries too much to just about anything.
But at the end of the day, she’s still mom. And no one will ever know why she is who she is and why she wouldn’t detach for just an inch from her old self. I know she had a hard youth and how my grandma literally controlled her life. Which, is why anger and regret at the onset of any altercation with this person that I can’t live with but can’t live without will hold only for days and then respect settles back in. She deserves that no matter what. I hope she’s ok.
haay belle. let's go to her. once and for all. if she'd scream at you, fine. if she'd cry and shoo you away, fine. at least she's your mother.
ReplyDeletei'd be there to encourage her to shout it all out. let's be courageous once and for all. when man? next sunday? call me
mor, we did try to find her last sunday (her bday) with the kids, hoping to surprise her. But we were told they already transferred & we also visited the house in mandaue but there were only the renters. What broke my heart was when Gian insisted to wanting to see his grandma. But we just couln't find her. Lisud pangitaon ang dili gusto makit-an. that night, Gian & i prayed for her and we will continue to pray for her.
ReplyDeleteI can so well relate to your story regarding moms. My mom too is stern and does not show a tinge of affection. The only difference between your mom and mine is that I know exactly where my mom is. And when I miss her, she's just one call or text away. But yeah I tell you, she's one person "I can't live with but can't live without."
ReplyDeleteLet's pray that we can be more accepting of our moms.
Praying for you and your mom,
Badeth