bewildered (4.3.2010)

My Gian and Eesha are sleeping soundly tonight. Gian sleeps on his “The Incredibles” pillow, while Eesha in her crib & with “didit” (for piglet stuffed toy) wrapped in her arms. But, I figured the PJs they are now wearing, will in a much rather too soon time, go up to their knees and will need replacing. They’re the most beautiful tour de force life could offer and I feel the same “peace that passes understanding” just looking at them. 

After 7 years (and counting) of raising a child in Gian, those moments of bewilderment is ever present. But, with the addition of Eesha in the family, being bowled over everytime doesn’t seem to be enough definition anymore. 

Gian is more of the pensive kind, he can observe many of the people around him but wouldn’t mind playing alone. He can play what he saw over and again in his mind then makes them a little more real by drawing them on papers, and boy, he could eat into any paper you’d give him. It will be like that with him for quite a time and then, as you continue to tail his developments, he’ll just surprise you with another that could tickle his fancy. 

Eesha is the “eager to learn” kind, audacious in most of her ways and can’t be nudged, sorry. And even at 1, she’s showing self-determination as she would rather sleep in her crib than on our bed. At one and a half, her vocabulary surprises us each day, the one’s I like the most are “no mow” (no more), “ai you” (i love you), “wa-too-tee” (one-two-three), “kaw ba!”, and off course the sweetest to listen to always are, nanay, tatay & yay (kuya). The rest are blabs we’re still trying to figure out. 

I have a world of wishes for them and all the strength they could muster because the world today is more than a jungle. And I have fears that what I have learned will in no way fill the gap for their time of learning about the world and what it will be like. But, it will be theirs to discover and I, I will be their apprentice. 

The most important thing I want for them is to love, take care and protect each other, something I will always miss from my childhood. I don’t know if this was ample or scant in generations before me, but I pray these family values will be generous as they both grow up and onwards as they create another generation. My love abounds, who can measure it? 

mamang

It's going to be mamang's birthday this sunday and God knows how i miss her.  My only prayer for her birthday is that she gets to have the wishes I have for her that i wrote two years ago.

December blues (12.14.08)

I miss mom. Despite the horrible altercation we had early this year and despite all the feelings of bitterness I have for her, she comes to mind most often.This is what December does to me, it makes me want to get all the joy I can handle. I understood perfectly that what we had gone through was coming anyway. I saw it coming. And with my optimistic view of life and struggles, I always have a hunch that we’d be okey again, not maybe soon, but we will, I told my friends or I’m trying to convince myself. But this one was longer than the previous. But then again, this one too, I saw coming.

When Eesha came, the part of missing her was even more. I so wanted her to see her granddaughter. I wanted her to consider making peace with her past. I wanted her to enjoy her old age with grandchildren by her side, after all mine are her first grandchildren. I wanted her to loosen up, to take life in strides and go out with friends. But this last one is hard to imagine. She always have acquaintances even people who looks up to her or looks at her as authority, but never the kind of friends that would come to her to hold her hand if she’d shake them of fear. Or a friend that could tell her to have life, enjoy it and she’d follow in all confidence. She projects strength by being stiff and too hard to be affectionate with.Yet, somehow having lived with her till almost 30 years, I know too well that she fakes audacity when she worries too much to just about anything.

But at the end of the day, she’s still mom. And no one will ever know why she is who she is and why she wouldn’t detach for just an inch from her old self. I know she had a hard youth and how my grandma literally controlled her life. Which, is why anger and regret at the onset of any altercation with this person that I can’t live with but can’t live without will hold only for days and then respect settles back in. She deserves that no matter what. I hope she’s ok.

Eesha

(written last July 2008 after giving birth to Eesha Akila)
I wasn’t bothered at all by the erratic weather the previous quarter that I was up earlier than usual on Thursday (July 10) since a not so usual feeling of bliss paid me a visit. I was scheduled for a check up with Dr. Igaña, my ever kindest, loveliest OB then learned that I can expect to deliver within the weekend at the latest-a process they called IE. I decided I needed to get myself a haircut after that, whilst mild and manageable contractions were coming but we still managed to get home. By 7pm the contractions were intense and unbearable that we had to rush to the hospital and just as soon as I got off from the cab, my waterbag broke.

I completely understand hospital SOPs but some could either make you loose your nerves or just laugh it with the pains away. Who would think that even as I have my whole being in agony, one of the student intern would ask you questions like, “Mam, ang imo bang first sexual contact is with your husband?” I was trying to figure out if I should either shout “cut it out! Bloody hell!” or squeeze the life out of her with the dextrose. But then you’d rather grieve for a little more of fortitude rather than lose it coz the piercing contractions are still coming like ire. Nonetheless they’re the same contractions that steer the sucking in air process that after two hours of doing that, I just have to give it all I’ve got to end the pains I said strongly to myself. That was at 10:25 P.M. when the doctors and interns made their hurrahs as the baby struggled out. I took a look at her while she was cleaned up and the first thing I noticed was her lighter skin color as compared to when I delivered Gian.


We or rather her tatay especially chose the name Eesha Akila for her where “Eesha” means river and “Akila” means noble or wisdom in different languages. Early the next day, Dr. Amatong, our baby’s pedia came after he checked the baby saying Eesha moves quite a lot. Then the visit of friends made it all ever more wonderful.

We have been experiencing many difficulties lately but when I look at my new miracle, I feel positively different and know that we could go on and will survive all these. I now live and believe in things different from those in the past since I may have been tired or burned out with what I used to passionately want to do. These are the things I discovered about myself because I am looking at my family who deserves nothing less. Eesha completes this family, with her we will fulfill dreams and cheer on passions as heavens would allow. She makes me marvel on God’s grace even more. She is my personal miracle.

my Universe

For the love of my life - my son, Gabriel who turned 7 years old yesterday February 22, 2010.

You become the life of me, the life I live for everyday
You are the prayer I sought and answered
The only prayer I would not trade for anything else
I breathe and made alive just knowing you are mine

I am reborn as I am reminded that you are my music
I dance with every step you take for the future you’ll have
The love that I have for you maybe larger than life
And may not seem to equal to every delight that you bring to me
I will love you even more until it covers every space there is
I maybe your world, but you are my universe.
For you occupy the whole of me, the WHOLE of me
The thought of it floods my senses

beautiful day

(8 Jan 07)

Everyday
I get off from the bus
Take the same street for work
Too fast, too naïve, everytime...

How could I have not noticed
The colors waving from the streets
The reticence of the lamp posts
The perfumed air from the fruitstands
The celestial glory of the mums
The magic the roses brings
The soothing – elevating kind of feeling

Amidst the buzzling jeeps
Amidst the joke of traffic
Amidst the brushing of shoulders
Amidst all the insincerity
Amidst babbling mouths uponyour back
Amidst life’s taunting

It’s still a beautiful day…

utter bliss.

I wrote this for Gian last 18May07, & what better piece to post first than this one as Gian will be turning 7 next week.

Would it be enough to say “I love you with all my life” when it really means more than life itself?Everytime I lay my eyes on Gian in all his stupendous moves and even candid tantrums, I feel so much peace, the kind they say that passes all understanding.

When my world is on the wrong side up, all I have to do is wrap me with his arms and I can go on again. I am amazed everytime I hear him say his sheer prayers and I would believe in the power of prayer even more. When he asks for his favorite knick knacks or Pringles, I could remember how I was as a child and feel like jumping over for a share and enjoy the taste of it with him. He likes Madagascar a lot he memorized lines and actions of Alex the Lion most of all and it just drives me crazy it has become my favorite film of all time. He could sing his favorite “Kanlungan” song dubbing it his “Pana-Panahon” song. He’s not so much into dancing, but when he hears a political ad jingle to the tune of “sasakyan kita”, he could simulate a step, and well, he looks much better. And when he is done with his toys, he knows exactly how to put them all back where it should be and I have to catch myself up before fluffiness takes over my heart.

ahhh...life is beautiful - right now it is wrapped in a four year old boy whose eye lashes make my days majestic...what utter bliss.

newbie

I've been writing or blogging as we say it now, but not in this corner of the wired world although subscribing to this has always been at the back of my mind.

Well, today as I feel a little more braver to let my thoughts be read not only within my comfort zones of friendships but to a wider scrutiny I pushed myself to take this chance or be damned.

But, since I could not find more words than being a novice to blogspot, I thought for my initiation, I'll begin with sharing pieces I've written in my past life or whatever you may call it.

So i'll say hop in friends of different genre and principles.

The universe is a library of learning life's lessons. Discover. Now.